F*ck you, almond butter.
OK, that might be an extreme reaction to almond butter. I’ll admit that. But it sounds better than what I’m really thinking, which is f*ck you world. I mean, seriously. What kind of a world do I live in when I honestly feel bad about eating almond butter. ALMOND BUTTER. Armchair psychologists, go nuts. (Pun intended.)
I’ve been doing the Whole30 program and one of the key rules is no sugar. In anything. Ever. For 30 days. That includes anything that resembles sugar or is sugary in nature. Like molasses.
Since starting the program, I have been infatuated with reading labels and preaching the anti-sugar gospel to anyone who will listen. I even ordered eight pounds of bacon from a pig farmer in the middle of the country. Because: no sugar. (I had NO idea, before Whole30, that most grocery store bacon is processed using some form of sugar.)
In a moment of sheer exhaustion while rushing through my shopping list, my usual market was out of my Whole30 compliant almond butter and I grabbed another jar of organic created by God himself almond butter. It’s beyond delicious. Like stop you dead in your tracks and make you get down on your knees screaming hallelujah delicious. This morning, as I was packing my lunch, because now I take my lunch to work (who am I?), I read the label.
EVAPORATED CANE SUGAR.
No wonder it’s delicious. IT’S WHOLE30 ILLEGAL.
Let’s be honest here for a second. I haven’t been 100% strict. I’ve been 99% strict. Because: life. But I honestly felt really bad that I didn’t read the label in the market. And then I started thinking what kind of a jerk feels bad about eating something that’s actually clean (no preservatives, nothing I can’t pronounce, all-natural, yadda yadda). I mean, there are people who can’t afford to eat clean because it’s actually quite expensive (depending on where you live). There are people who don’t have clean water. There are people without homes. Without families. Without ALMOND BUTTER FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY.
And then it hit me. I am that jerk. And then I wanted to hit myself. But instead I just said f*ck you almond butter and then grabbed a giant glob of it and spread it on an apple and enjoyed every second. I mean, it does have flaxseed in it. There’s that, right?
So, if you’re wondering what the Whole30 is really like, there you have it. It’s an insane roller coaster of epic proportions. But I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Or about the almond butter I now love to hate.