So, this (Tinder nightmare) happened.

To those of you who have followed my various blogs — and, in particular, my rants about online dating — this one’s for you.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while and was reminded of it again when on a date. We were talking about Tinder horror stories — as one does when one uses Tinder — and I remembered this gem. It’s really something so stick with me here.

Here’s the sitch: I met a dude on Tinder (a few months ago) and after some back-and-forth texting, we made a plan to meet for drinks. He picked the place, I showed up. I had only seen a few photos of him prior to meeting and while he wasn’t *exactly* a dreamboat, I figured you’ve gotta be in it (read: the dating scene) to win it, so I thought what the hell. He seemed nice enough. When he showed up, I kind of knew immediately that it wasn’t (any kind of) a fit. But I went with it. Our conversation was great. He’s super smart, successful, and all that jazz. Part of the conversation, naturally, was about dating and relationships. I mean, we *did* meet on Tinder. Dude SWORE that he was single — as in not married and not in a serious relationship. I believed him. And agreed to meet him again. In hindsight, I should have gone with my gut on the lack of chemistry and just walked away. But I like to torture myself so I went along to his place for date two.

And then, this happened:

I was drinking wine with dude, who promised to cook risotto. He’s cooking and I’m standing in the doorway of the kitchen, which is about 15 feet away from his front door. The doorbell rings.

Me: You gonna get that?

Him: I’m not expecting anyone.

[Doorbell rings again.]

Me: Um, are you sure you’re not expecting anyone?

Him: [Walks over to the door, looks out the peep hole.] Nobody’s there.

[Doorbell rings again. Someone starts pounding on the door.] 

Me: Wow, that’s really weird. Are you sure?

[House phone blows up. Door bell continues to ring. Pounding on the door continues.] 

Me: Um, what is going on? This is kind of crazy.

[Dude walks over to the door, opens it four inches, closes door, starts pacing while holding his head in his hands.]

Me: What the fuck is happening right now? Who is that? And why are they beating your door down?

Him: It’s my ex.

Me: OMG. Ex-girlfriend? Like how recent is she an ex? Because that is kind of aggressive for someone you’re not dating.

[House phone and cell phone continue to blow up. Dude takes one of the calls in his bedroom. I’m sitting on the couch drinking wine as quickly as possible. Dude comes back and is standing in the middle of the room, basically shitting his pants.]

Me: Well?!? What is happening right now? There isn’t anything happening between us so now would be a good time to be honest. Is she someone you WERE dating or ARE currently dating?

Him: [Clearly freaking out] Are dating. We are dating.

Me: [Blowing a gasket] Are you fucking crazy? OMG. WHY ARE YOU ON TINDER? This is a total asshole move. And I didn’t sign up for this.

[All this time, the door bell continues to ring, the pounding gets more aggressive, the house phone continues to blow up, dude’s phone continues to blog up. Girl starts screaming: I CAN HEAR HER. LET ME IN. Dude sits down at his computer to look something up, picks up house phone and makes a call.]

Me: Who was that?!?

Him: Building security. They’re coming up to escort her out of the building and off the property.

Me: OMG! You’re kicking your GIRLFRIEND out of the building?

Him: What else am I supposed to do?

Me: Well, for one get the fuck off Tinder.

Him: Can I make you some risotto?

Me: You are seriously insane. There will be no dinner. There’s no us. This is the last time I’ll ever see you. You really need to get your shit straight.

[I decide, because of how insanely aggressive this chic was, that I’ll sit tight for an hour to give her a chance to leave. And then I’d leave. I mean, he’s an asshole but I felt like he was harmless. I was more worried about putting my own personal safety in jeopardy if this chic stuck around. Dude sits down on other end of couch and proceeds to get ripped.] 

Me: So now that we’ve cleared all that up, what is the deal?

Him: She’s my girlfriend. She’s been my girlfriend for over a year. We’ve been on and off. [Then five minutes later.] We’ve been on and off the last few months because she hacked into my phone and caught me texting with other girls.

Me: Oh. My. God. Why exactly are you on Tinder again?

Him: Well, she’s not the one. She’s not someone I would marry.

Me: So you’re on Tinder to find a wife? Why don’t you do the right things and end it with her if you know now that eventually you will anyway.

Him: It’s not that easy. I’m a guy. I have needs. [Me: trying not to throw up.] I mean, she’s a good girl but she’s just not for me.

[Dude continues to blah blah blah wah wah wah until his sister-in-law blows up his phone and he finally answers. Apparently, girl un-friends all of his friends and family on Facebook and calls them to tell them she just caught him with another girl. OMG THAT WAS ME. What. The. What. I wish I could have told her what a liar her boyfriend is but there was no way I was getting in the mix. And she obviously caught him once — or many times — before sooooo.]

Him: Well, I’m single now. Can I kiss you?

Obviously, he got a giant no and a good old-fashioned belly laugh. In. His. Face. He continued to drink more and to try to convince me he’s single. He asked me out again. He went on and on about all kinds of nonsense. Finally, an hour later I tell him that we’re leaving. He’s walking out ahead of me and he’s going to deal with her and I’m ignoring both of them. If anything happens, I’ll call the police. As we’re leaving, I look out the peep hole to see if she somehow got back into the building. Wouldn’t you know it… the peep hole doesn’t work. Amaze. We leave the building. She’s gone. I grab the first cab I see and hightail it out of there. I’m finally home and I get a text alert.

Him: Did you make it home yet?

Me: Yes.

Him: So now that I’m single, can we hang out again?

Me: [After checking Tinder and seeing that he was *just* on it…] Seriously, all of that crazy just happened and you’re already trolling Tinder again?!

Him: No I’m not. I’m in bed.

Me: Then why does Tinder show that you were active five minutes ago?

Him: What if I was checking out your profile / pictures?

Me: Then you would have said that. Good night. Good luck with your girlfriend.

Un. Be. Liev. Able. Truly. Dude honestly does not know how to tell the truth. About anything. He continued to text and ask me out over the course of the next week. Obviously, I never saw him again. I mean. This guy. I can’t even. Douchebag of epic proportions. But, I have a good (?) story. So there’s that.

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