Tales From the Dark Side (aka Online Dating): So Many Assholes, So Little Time

Last night I couldn’t sleep so was checking my various inboxes and reading email at 2-something-am. Joy. One inbox in particular, that’s used only for online dating purposes (so I can easily ignore when I want to), was the source of so much entertainment that I started tweeting out some of the things guys wrote to me.

Maybe I’m as much of an asshole for doing that as the guys are who are sending the emails but I’m just so completely blown away by all of it sometimes that I can’t help myself. I’d never give out any personal details or share pics, for the record. That would for sure be an asshole move. But, I mean, COME ON, it’s insane the things people say to complete strangers who could potentially be someone you’d date.

(OK, I used “someone you’d date” loosely — VERY loosely — as I’d never date a guy who sends some of these nutjob notes but I’m kind of trying to remain somewhat positive about online dating as I’ve heard lots of wonderful stories about people who have lived happily ever after post meeting online.)

As my own online dating luck would have it, this morning I woke up to quite a gem. I have another post brewing in my head about tattoos which makes this particular email all the more fascinating to me. So, here goes.

From: Asshole du jour (who, by the way, lives 3000 miles away — my preference is within 5 miles — and is nowhere even remotely close to the realm of what I’m looking for but that didn’t stop him)

“Just don’t take offense of what I say/comment. I’ve just always hated tats on women. (tramp stamps we called them–I still do). I have 3 but that’s all military (honor, proud, duty, kinship). My ex-wife, FYI, even wanted to tat my name on her body–and I told here, are you effing crazy! Anyways, it all looks “pretty.” How you overly justify it, that’s your business and definitely none of my concern. Take care, and peace.”

Ugh. I almost just can’t even go there. But I will. Something told me this would be a good email as it was a comment on a pic that I posted of myself with many tattoos exposed. And I posted that pic for a reason: so guys who aren’t into tattoos could move along and save me from having to disclose at some point during date one that I’m a walking/talking/breathing/smart/successful canvas. And full of paint.

But, try as I might, I couldn’t fight the urge to respond.

From: Me, to tattoo hating king of typos

“I honestly could care less what you think and frankly have no idea why you reached out to me. If you don’t like tattoos on women, then just move along and find someone who doesn’t have any. To take the time to comment and insult me? That makes me sad for you as you’re obviously a miserable person. Take care.”
I wanted to add: “And, while you’re at it, learn how to spell so you at least *appear* to be smart when you’re insulting people.” But that might have been insulting. So instead I blocked him from all further contact.
Oh, the insanity of it all.
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