I don’t need anyone else to ruin my Sunday morning…

…I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself, I just learned. Oy.

lanny&jamie2

My lil bro Jamie posted this on Facebook this morning: “Anybody remember the good ol’ days before Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all of your friends’ house to show them the picture of your dinner? No? Me neither. Stop it.”

Totally appropriate and totally true. Some days I wish we could go back to those days but then there are times when I can’t imagine not being connected. For example, I wouldn’t have had this interaction with my brother — who lives in North Carolina —  if it weren’t for Facebook. And I need to have these interactions. With my brother, my mom, my nephew, friends near and far. It makes me happy, even when it’s sad.

After reading Jamie’s post, I did what I sometimes do, and perhaps all too well: I got in my own head. I started thinking about the good old days and naturally started thinking about Lanny, our beloved-and-forever-25-year-old brother. And so I posted a couple of old pics of Lanny & Jamie on Jamie’s timeline. And then: waterworks. Yes, I totally did this to myself.

On one hand, it’s amazing that I have so many photos of Lanny. Some of them painstakingly scanned by his then-(awesome) girlfriend  Sandra so we could all enjoy them at his memorial. Some I remember, some I don’t. But I really want to keep his memory alive. So sometimes I post them. And, alas… sometimes I ruin Jamie’s day (sorry, Jamie! love you!) and sometimes I ruin my own day. Some days the pain is so raw and it’s so real. It’s easy to say “think of the good times” but it’s hard not to think about all the good times we could be having now. If only that night didn’t happen.

I want to get to a point where I can post Lanny’s pictures and think about him without being so sad. Sometimes it happens. Today isn’t one of those days.  On the other hand, maybe moments like this are good for perspective. Life can be so strange and so painful but it can also be really, really good. I think too often we dwell on the what-ifs and the what-nexts that we forget to stop and enjoy today. There’s a reason Lanny isn’t here, even if it doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s to watch over us. To somehow guide us in the right direction. To remind us to love. To remind us to be happy. To remind us that life is truly fucking short and we should’t dwell on the trivial bullshit that so often takes over our days. I think it’s a combination of all of those things. And I think right now Lanny is sending me a sign that I need to go get mimosas with the girls and get on with this day. Thanks, Lando!

Let’s get this day back on track. After all, the sun is shining, I’m healthy, I’m happy, and life is good. And somewhere out there Lanny is watching over me and wishing me all of life’s happiness… sans waterworks.

Much love to everyone out there who has lost someone they love. Be well, people. And hug the people close to you today. Or reach out and poke them on Facebook. OK, maybe not. That’s weird.

xoxo

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