Quite possibly the best worst online dating story ever… that hasn’t been told since 2008.

dear online dating stalker: thanks, but no thanks

in part four of exploring the inner workings of my failed attempts at online dating, i thought this exchange was far too good not to share. boys: please don’t ever think this type of behavior will get you anywhere. seriously.

read on for a few laughs. my treat.

*****

On 03/21/2008 07:07 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

Hi. You are quite attractive. Might work (?) 

*****

On 03/22/2008 07:58 am PDT, [I] wrote:

Thanks but I just don’t think we’re a good match. Take care.

*****

On 05/15/2008 05:23 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

You know, you are extremely pretty.

Why be dumb?

Ever been to Europe (first class of course).

Not trying to buy you, just tring to let you know “my life”.

I know ther are allot of bullshitters on these sites. I am not one of them.

*****

On 05/15/2008 05:36 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

Oh, and hey, if you wanna pick up the check it’s fine with me. Seem’s like I buy for all my friends.

Hey look…if you are a real “giver”, I really am a “taker”, meaning I do things my way, but baby, you can/will only benefit. I take care of everyone that I like (let me know if you want “references”.)

How about lunch?

FYI: 3 things I can’t live without:

1):A stunning girl like you, on my arm, in a Las Vags casino.

2) Jack Daniels at 5:30pm ( while I watch the nightly news)

3) SEX (hey, I still go pretty Godamn strong…again…references available upon request).

You must be intrigued. I know if I were I woman, I would be.

Ball’s in you court. Don’t miss the shot !

*****

On 05/16/2008 09:50 pm PDT, [I] wrote:

Thanks for the note. As much as I love the idea of sharing the fun of Vegas, I’ll turn 36 soon so will be out of your age range [note: his *ideal* age range was listed as 25 – 35 but he later changed it to 28 – 38]. Good luck with your search. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding some young arm candy. 🙂

*****

On 05/16/2008 11:28 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

That age is just my “ideal”. (By the way, the ex will be 37 in July).

You are stunning, and believe you me, I can show you much.

Never say never. And never pass up on a good thing.

I have a feeling we would be perfect with each other.

Hell, I might even go camping with you (bring the bug spray so I don’t have a “Monk Moment”.)

Just got back from a business trip to Reno. Planned on staying 2 nights. It turned into 4. I know the pit bosses quite well, and saved a few younger guys (your age) from getting into trouble at one of the tables. Nice story….I’ll tell you later.

Won $3000. Didn’t have any sushi, but had lobster most nights.

Oh, hell…If you want to be cuddled every night with a man that can’t get enough of that, and a man that adores an extremely pretty woman that will jump on a plane in a heatbeat…well…what the hell have you got to lose…you are on this web site to basically meet a man to settle with.

Shit, I guess i can live with “kitten” as well, as long as it sleeps in the other room.

LUNCH at the XXXX???????????????? I am free Sat and Sun…and perhaps Mon. Then business the rest of the week. Look, just say yes. Sunday works best for me. You are just too cute to let go without a battle.

I can’t say much more. At least you have a new friend, and believe me, I am a good friend to have.

*****

On 05/16/2008 11:34 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

RE: Your question: (forgot to answer your Q)

1 thing I really can’t live without is your perfect smile. (I have great teeth too !)

Get back to me.

Tell me more about yourself !!!

*****

On 05/16/2008 11:47 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

Not trying to bug you but my name is XXX.

I haved lived in XXX for 20 years. (This is if you want to check me out….before lunch…by the way, you can pick the wine).

Sleep tight !

*****

On 05/17/2008 07:01 pm PDT, [my friend] wrote:

If ego had a picture in the dictionary it would have your pic. Honestly… based on your last few emails we are clearly not a match. I understand tenacity but you are over the top and probably perfect for someone other than me. 

I wish you the best of luck with online dating. 

*****

On 05/17/2008 07:42 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

Baby, you think you have flown, but your feet ain’t left the ground !

Anyway, I bow to your convictions.

We could have had a great friendship. You have my number when you get tired of the stiff’s that are on this stupid thing.

Pitty…I was thinking about you allot. Just spilt milk now.

I will never understand women. The smart one’s can have anything they want. You are not only pretty, but probably smart to stay away from a guy like me.

Just be careful. When you meet someone, check them out (my ex sister-in-law is a police Lt and she told me lots of strange guys are on these sights). Ask for references, etc.

By the way, whats wrong with an “ego”. I love walking into a room and “owning it”.

Maybe we will cross paths again. Highly unlikely, but I never say never.

You really are a doll. Why you don’t want a man like me is, well ?

*****

On 05/17/2008 07:55 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

Oh, and by the way. I have a feeling you will get back to me.

You are interested, no (?).

How many exciting men have you met on these website things.

I won’t contact you again unless you contact me.

(Vegas this weekend…Bellagio…sounds good to me).

*****

On 05/17/2008 08:43 pm PDT, [he] wrote:

I have changed my mind.

How does lunch at XXX in XXX on Monday sound.

You will be perfectly safe. The owner is a friend of mine, so you can toss me into the water if you want. It would only make him laugh.

I really do want to get to know you. Friends to start.

*****

The good news about most online dating sites? You can easily block people.

The end.

 

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